Coldness and Warmth

There’s no reason for it, no cause. There’s only the effect. And you can try everything you can think of to make it go away, but nothing works. The only thing that can make it go away is time.

You wish you could fix it, but you can’t. You don’t understand it. You don’t understand why you suddenly get cold sometimes. One moment you’re fine, and the next, you’re not. You’re just cold. You have goosebumps all over your skin, and shivers run up and down your spine. It can be warm and sunny and bright outside, and everyone can be wearing tank tops and shorts. But you? No, you will be cold. You will hurry back to your room (and it’s empty, no one is there, and that just makes you colder), and you rush to pull on a hoodie and warm socks.

[And you’re very specific about the hoodie. It’s not the warm one you bought for yourself. No, it’s the one given to you by someone who loves you, someone who cares enough about you that they want to help you stay warm. It’s not the thickest hoodie you have, but despite that (or in spite of that), it’s one of the warmest. There is something about it (probably the personal meaning attached to it) that just makes you feel warmer than you should when you wear it.]

But no. Even that hoodie doesn’t work. So you curl up into a ball as tight as you can, knees folded in against your chest, hands held under your neck, and you hide underneath your giant next of blankets. Because that is the warmest place you can find, and it’s the warmest position you can find. But even then, you are still cold. And you know why you’re still cold even with all of this. You wish you didn’t know, but you do. This cold that you’re feeling, it’s not physical. Oh no, it’s mental. And you hate that.

This chill in your veins is the unspoken, unacknowledged symptom of your depression. It’s always there, a current running throughout your body, from your heart and mind out to the very tips of your fingers and toes. You are always aware of it, as it is a sign of your ever-present depression, and sometimes, you don’t know how to deal with it. Sure, there are moments when it goes away. The feelings recede without you having to do much, and then you’re fine again.

But other times, it takes another source of warmth to come find you, to pull you out of that dark space, to let you bask in their care and love, and those are the best times. Those are the warmest. You don’t really need anything from them other than for them to be there, to stay there. You are perfectly content to listen to them speak (about whatever, they could complain all about their day if they so wished, and you wouldn’t care). You are perfectly content to do nothing but sit with them. And before you know it, you’re warm again. You might not be as warm as you could be, but you’re warm enough.

And you’re thankful to those who love you and care for you because without them, you fear that you’ll be stuck in that feeling of coldness. Hell, even knowing you have them, you fear that you’ll get too cold for them to help.

But they will always help. They will bring you in close, let you cling on to them as much as you need. They will hold together the broken pieces that make up your composition. They will hold you together, physically and mentally and emotionally. And you wish you could stay there always, in the arms of every single person who cares enough to do that in the first place. You wish you could listen to their heartbeats (almost like a child because that’s how vulnerable you feel) to hear how alive they are, to hear the sound of warmth traveling through their veins and into you. You wish your heart (not cold or dead but it feels like it is) would emulate that and do the same. But wishing will get you nowhere. You know that.

So then you pull yourself together, gather the broken pieces of you that have fallen away, and solder everything into as much as a whole as possible.  At least, until you crumble and shatter because you get too cold.

But until that point, you have the warmth of your loved ones. And you hope that, maybe, one day, you will have your own warmth to give them in return.

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About periwinklenightshade

I am a university student who looks at the sky and speaks the first sentence that comes to her head - and each sentence is then the inspiration for writing. I have always wanted to be writer, and I hope my poetry prose will touch the hearts of my readers. And I hope that my activism speeches will bring out the fighting spirits of everyone who sees them. View all posts by periwinklenightshade

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