You don’t know what to do anymore. You have absolutely no clue. You started self-harming in an attempt to cope with the pain, but at best, it only provides a brief respite…and at worst, it makes you feel even more terrible than you did before. You told your best friend, but you and he both know that he doesn’t have the power to make all this darkness within you go away (even though you both wish he did). You agreed to go to a depression screening with a counselor, but there’s still some time before that. What do you do until then?
What do you do since you didn’t tell your best friend the whole truth?
Oh, you haven’t lied. You could never do that. But you didn’t tell him everything. You told him almost everything, but you kept the darkest part of you to yourself. Because you’re scared. You’re scared of that dark part. You’re scared of pushing him away because you’re too much. You’re scared that if your best friend leaves you (and he’s the only one knows), then you won’t be able to hide away that dark part anymore. And you’re absolutely terrified of that.
Because it’s darker than self-harm. As if that wasn’t bad enough. (As if scratching patterns onto your skin wasn’t bad enough. As if wanting to do it all the time wasn’t enough). You have to think even darker.
And you almost can’t put it into words because it’s so dark. (What if you threw yourself into the path of a moving vehicle? What if you suffocated yourself in your pillow at night? What if you slit your wrists in the shower?)
You don’t know if there’s anything scarier than the fact that you have these thoughts. But then you realize, that there is. There is something. That something is the fact that you have a detailed plan on how you would do it. How would you just stop everything. At your lowest of low moments, you sit there and you go through your plan. And every time there is a seed of doubt (but what about your family? what about your friends? your loved ones? your best friend? your boyfriend? your roommates?), you push it away. You ignore the knowledge of how much your loved ones love you. But it’s an ongoing struggle in your mind, and so far, that lighter part of you (the part that knows what it feels like to be happy and loved) has been able to beat away the darkness.
Except what happens when it takes longer to beat away that dark part? What happens when you open your drawer and stare at the objects you would use to do it?
And then you shake yourself out of it. You are going to be okay. You will be okay. You don’t know how long it will take. But you’ll be okay. So stop. Don’t do it. Don’t reach for any of those objects. Reach for your phone. Text a hotline. Call one. Call your best friend.
Please. Just do it.