Everyone is insecure about something, whether or not they admit it, whether or not that insecurity is big or small. We are all insecure, and as everyone is different, everyone’s insecurity is different. Some people are insecure about their appearances, others about their romantic relationships, some about themselves, others about all of the above. Personally, I find that insecurity is hidden in nooks and crannies, in the closet, under the bed, in the commonly ignored recesses of your mind, and it comes out when you’re most vulnerable, when you’re in a dark patch of your day or your life. It creeps on you, unbidden and unwanted, slowly and sometimes suddenly. Before you know it, it’s there, looking you in the eyes, breathing down your neck, whispering in your ear, crawling into your mind until it’s a constant presence. The smallest thing could push it out of its hiding spot. You could be fine, you could be over whatever happened to you that created that insecurity, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s gone forever. It could still be there, a fragment maybe, but still there. You could just be reminded of that incident, or you could be facing a new issue. But then it attacks, not violently, oh no, subtly and quietly, gripping you and not letting you go until you conquer it. Until you take it by the hand and squash it down, stomping on it with all you’ve got, using the strength you’ve found within you, either by yourself or with the help of your friends and family, and then smothering it out of existence. Or at least visible existence. It might take more than one try, and the process may be repeated again and again, but you hope that this time, it’ll be gone for good and won’t come back for another round.
But that’s the hardest part, conquering it, I mean. You know it’s there, and you think about it. You let it fester, not by choice, no, but because it’s powerful, and even more powerful in the darkest portions of your mind. You try to control it, or at least ignore it, and go about your day. But then you remember what caused it to come out again in the first place, and you can’t ignore it. It bogs you down, making you question yourself and your decisions and even your life at its current point. Sure, you could talk to your friends and family, your loved ones who (probably, no surely, no definitely, and must because they want to not because they have to) care for you, but do you really want to do that? Do you really want to bother them again (even if they say it’s not bothering because, love, it never is a bother) because you’re feeling insecure again? No, you don’t because you’re afraid that bothering someone too many times will make them leave you, and you’ll lose that pillar of support, and you can’t do that to yourself, won’t do that to yourself. No, instead you’ll push on for as long as you can, until either you conquer that insecurity or until you really need help. But not until either point. Because losing someone hurts. And that’s what made you insecure in the first place. And you won’t risk losing someone else because your insecurity pushed and pulled at them until they had no choice (or maybe even wanted) to leave you to get away from your toxic insecurity. So you’ll lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to make yourself realize that the boogeyman under your bed might be real, but you’re not afraid of him and you’re not going to let him control your every waking moment or steal your sleeping ones.
You’re stronger than this. You’re beautiful and intelligent and wonderful, and you have a family and friends and a boyfriend who all love you and won’t abandon you just because you’re struggling to conquer a powerful enemy. And fine, it might take days or weeks or months or years, but you’ll conquer him. You’ll win. You won’t be insecure anymore. You’ll remember that initial incident and every following issue that made you remember it more strongly, but it won’t be able to take hold of you anymore. You’ll have moved past him, into a bigger and brighter place, and you’ll leave him to his shadows, and without you, he’ll be consumed. He’ll be gone. Your insecurity will be no more.
At least, that’s what I hope what happens, and that’s what I hope will happen to me because I can’t wait for the day until I can say the boogeyman, my insecurity, doesn’t bother me anymore.