Sometimes, without meaning to, you zone out of the world you’re currently in and drift off to another one. Sometimes, you do this when you’re friends, and they usually don’t notice. But you wonder, if they did notice, what would they think? Where do they think you go? Where do you go?
It depends, really. Some days, you just daydream. You imagine a perfect day or an amazing future. You imagine stories set in distant, magical lands with dragons and wizards. You imagine living the double life of a normal person by day and a superhero by night. You know, happy things. Fun things. But other days, it’s not daydreaming. Other days, it’s nightmare-dreaming. And these other days are becoming more and more frequent.
You think about going back to your room, alone, to find a sharp object and trace patterns on your skin. You think about jumping in front of a moving vehicle and waking up in a hospital. You think about writing farewell letters and ending everything. It’s these thoughts, these nightmares, that are darker than anything you could imagine otherwise.
On these other days, you don’t go into the land of magic and fantasy. Oh no, you go into the land of knives and blood and pain and death. You go into the land of goodbye and I’m sorry and it just hurts too much. You go into a deep dark place that you may or may not come out of again.
But you think, if you go into that place when you’re with your friends, then it’s not too bad. Because either they’ll bring you back to reality or you’ll realize yourself that they’re there. But when you’re alone? And you go there? That’s the scary part.
Because you only have yourself. And you have to pull yourself out of that dark place. And it’s not easy finding the motivation and willpower to do that. But you can do it. You can leave that place. You can stop going to that place. It won’t be easy (nothing important ever is), but it’s doable. You have to try.
So try. Please.