Your name is the assassin and the poison both, like Claudius to Hamlet Senior, you have poured liquid death into my ears and taken away my hearing and my happiness and every aspect of life, and I am left haunted, haunting, nothing but a specter of myself, and all I can do is scream into silence because no one will hear that it was you and your name.
Your name is like Taboo, the card game that I played with my cousins when I was a child, I can describe you and I can say everything about you, I can say teal and ocean and sky and almost green but not quite but I can’t say blue, I cannot say it in another language or say what it rhymes with, I cannot act it out, I cannot say it because if I do then it is game over and I am out.
Your name is like a dog whistle. I cannot help but attune to it, my ears cannot help but listen to it, it is at a frequency that I cannot ignore, all of my senses will turn my body towards the direction of its source, and I will stand at attention in case I hear it again, and it will unsettle me even in my dreams, even as I fill the night with sound of my howls, I cannot escape it.
Your name is the siren and her song. You call to me, the helpless sailor that I am. Your beauty draws in my eyes as your voice draws in my ears, and your name, your song slips into every nook and cranny of my being and takes control of my body as it pulls me to you, your name has taken over my willpower and pulls me into the unforgiving sea and pulls me under the waves, and I am drowning, I am drowning deeper and deeper to places where the sunlight cannot reach, but I am under your thrall and even though I am suffocating for breath, I cannot escape your name.
Do you get it yet? Do you understand that your name is impossible for me? Impossible to listen to, impossible to ignore, impossible for me to even say.
Your name will never again be spoken by me while my body lives, the consonants will not roll off my tongue, the vowels will not be shaped by my lips, I will never again have the taste of you in my mouth, I will never name my children any deviation of your name, it is lost to me, it is ruined for me.
But I will always remember the times when your name was the sweetest sound, the most beautiful word, the perfect complement to mine in tree trunks and notebook margins, and I would drink in your name as if it were the sweetest ambrosia.
But now it is nothing but poison.