Category Archives: Darling Series

Steel

Darling, I used to say that you were made of stardust, that galaxies and supernovas that have come before you have all collapsed and crumbled and come together to make up what you are, but now I know that all of that is not enough to describe you.

Darling, you are more than stardust, you are reforged iron, your blood is steel, men have waged war with the very strength in your veins for centuries, and it is the men with your blood that win.

Darling, do not be ashamed that our body is the battleground that shows the war waged between you and your mental illness, the scars – the trenches where vicious battles have been fought and the battle wounds they have left behind, the dark under eye circles – the remnants of rumination bombs that affect you longer than anyone can imagine.

Darling, you yourself – the fighter and victim both in this war that has been longer and harder than anyone could have ever imagined, military men and women would salute and stand at attention as you walked by if only they knew what a fighter you have been and what a fighter you still are, Odin and the Valkyries themselves would welcome you into Valhalla for this war you have fought so desperately.

Darling, you are the strongest steel in this war, you are titanium, and you do not have to fight alone.


Darling, do not wish to be small

Darling, when you told me of your desire to be small and skinny and petite and beautiful, my heart skipped a beat and my lungs missed a breath and every alarm went off in my head and a chill filled my veins, and I clenched my hands into fists so that you couldn’t see them tremble. When you told me how you ate so little and moved so much, my mouth went dry and all the words I wanted to say to you got caught in my throat and I was choking on my fear and love for you. When you told me how much you weighed and how much you had lost and how much you wanted to lose still and how little you wanted to be, my gut reaction was to take you into my arms and hold you and never let you go and make all of those thoughts disappear forever.

Darling, you are beautiful and gorgeous and pretty and stunning and radiant inside and out, and I pray to every god and goddess I don’t believe in that you will one day believe that and see what I see in the mirror, because your beauty should first and foremost be for you to see. I could describe to you your physical appearance, but I don’t think any description of soft wavy brown hair and big hazel eyes and high cheekbones and thin nose and shapely lips and symmetrical collarbones and strong arms and chiseled core and long legs would get through to you right now, and god I wish they would. Because the physical appearance that you see in the mirror is not what the world sees.

But darling, beyond your physical appearance, there is the inside that is radiant and shines out from within your being, and I don’t understand how you can’t see it because it’s blindingly bright. You are not the small flame that you think you are, trembling in the wind and flickering and dimming and chilling. You are kind and caring and gentle and sweet, all of these things that mean soft touch and gentle voice and little smile and bright eyes. But you are also strong and unbending and no storm can knock you over, and you are mother and family and you take all of your loved ones into your arms and you protect them and keep them safe and happy, and you are fighter and sharp wit and clever words and you take no shit from anyone because you know you are on a plane above them, and you are the raging inferno that burns through the wind and blazes bright and hot, reds and blues, too fiery to look at directly, even as you break down all that is old and dying to bring new life from the ashen ground.

Darling, do not wish to be small. You are already petite (and no matter what size, you are always pretty inside and out), and I worry that if you try to be any smaller, your outside would become too fragile to hold your inside, and I worry that I cannot keep you as you are, a healthy weight and size, because you still wish to be small. You are petite and pretty, but I worry that if I say those things you will wish to be more petite so that you can be prettier, but that’s not how that works, and all I want for you is to be healthy and happy. So please do not wish to be small. Be as big as you want to be. Let the inferno that is your soul burn out that wish and fill you up and spill over, and take all the space that you want. Because you are deserving of space and happiness and everything else that will keep your outside even a fraction as strong as your inside.

Darling, let your soul burn away the wish to be small, and break out from the cage within which you have placed yourself. Own all of the space around you and light up the world with all that you are. Break every mirror that says you are small because you are bigger than life, and your brain chemistry cannot contain you.


Darling, you were born to fight.

Darling, you came into this world crying, screaming, squirming, unashamed of movement, limbs reaching up and out towards the light, occupying as much space as you could. The moment you came into this world, you were here, and you would not let a single soul in that room ignore you.

When did society put a stop to that?

“What a pretty, quiet child.”

“Children should be seen, not heard.”

“Play with your dolls quietly.” Play inside. Stay inside. Away from the dirt and grass and trees and sun. It is the boys who play outside, who play in the mud and come in covered in dirt. And even inside, they fight and wrestle, and they’re loud and brash. And already, how old are you, but you scold them and tap your footand tell them to stop fighting, but you don’t join in, because girls do not get into messes. “Boys will be boys, but girls must stay clean and pretty.”

“Put a t-shirt over your tank top. Put these gym shorts over your shorts.” Cover up. Do not reveal skin. You are young yet, barely even touching puberty, but your skin is scandalous, and it must be covered. Dress code is for girls, education is for boys. They tell you not to distract boys with your young skin. They send you home because you refuse to cover up. Your comfort in the hot summer weather means nothing when it comes to the education of boys, even though they do a fine job of distracting themselves. But worse, what about the male teachers who will look at your skin? “You do not look decent. Do not dress like a whore, a slut” (in your tank top and shorts).

“What a prude.” And what can you say to that? Because if you confirm, then you are a prude, and they will all laugh. But if you deny it, then you are a slut, and they will all laugh. Society will sexualize you when you are young, too young to even understand what that really means, and as soon as you are old enough, they will shame you for being sexual. Society will not let you win.

Take back your space Darling.

Do not let them tell you what to play with, what to enjoy. Wrestle in the mud, play with Legos, learn computer science, be a woman in STEM. Wear tank tops and crop tops and shorts and skirts. Be as sexual as you want to be, and demand that they realize your pleasure is important too.

Do not let society quiet you. Keep talking when they interrupt you. Correct them when they try to invalidate you. Speak up, speak out. Be loud. Take every single silence and fill it with your words because your words matter. Do not sit closed-legged or crossed-legged because that is what is expected of you. Sit however you want, elbows and knees out, take back your space.

You came into this world screaming and fighting for your right to be here. You have every right to be here. Do not let them take that from you.

Run outside with the wolves that howl ever more loudly in your throat. Dig your toes into the dirt as Mother Nature intended, because it is Mother Nature, and you are every bit of her as anyone else. Throw your hands up to the sky and grasp handfuls of clouds because not even the sky could limit you. Your bones are made of stardust, and galaxies have collapsed and come together to make you what you are. Your blood may be iron, but your heart is forged steel, and no words will ever be able to pierce it. There is fire in your eyes and red on your lips, and nothing can take away your space.

Darling, you were born to fight. So fight.

Fight every bit of society that tells you to be quiet and hidden. Because you are so much more, and you have every right to tell the world. And if god forbid they try to silence you, Darling, you came into this world screaming, and you will not leave it any quieter.


Darling, I want your heart safe

Darling, if I could protect you, I would.

If I could protect your heart, I would.

But I can’t.

Because you need to love and you need to hurt from love, and that is the only way you’ll understand what love is.

But darling, if my words could have any effect, I would tell you everything I know. And I would tell you what love is and what it is not and how to tell and how to be safe even as you figure it all out.

Because love should be safe.

Because the person you love should feel like home, because being in the arts of that person should feel like coming home.

Because love should be laughing and crying and staying together through all of it.

Because the person you love should make every moment of life beautiful and worth it.

Because the person you love should light the fire of passion in your very being.

Because the person you love should be your rock in the eye of the storm.

And if it is not those things, then darling, I am so sorry, but it is not love.

If you are not comfortable with that person, then it is not love.

If that person’s words and actions hurt you as much as they touch you, then it is not love.

If you cannot do what you would when you are with that person, then it is not love.

If you have to light yourself on fire just to keep that person warm and happy, then it is not love.

If you would drown to keep that person’s head up and above the waves, and they would not even get into the water for you, then it is is not love.

If that person dares to insult you or manipulate you, or god forbid, raise a hand to you, then get the hell out of there darling, because that is not love.

Darling, love is safe and comfortable, love is happiness, love is give and take between you and your person.

Because you and your person, if it is love between you two, must be happy and healthy.

Because your happiness and health are most important darling.

Because even if it is loveyour happiness and health are most important darling.

Because if you love your person and your person loves you, then your happiness and health will obviously be most important.

Because darling, love puts you first, even if you do not. And that’s what love is.

And it might not always be love, and that’s okay too.


Darling, it will pass

Darling, I promise the hurts and the memories will fade. Maybe it seems like they never will, but they will. I promise.

Maybe you can still feel the ghost touch of his fingers on the sides of your head. Or the warmth and weight of his hand on your shoulder. Or the heartbeat against your ear. Maybe you can still hear the sound of his soft words. Maybe you can still see his smile in your mind. Maybe every aspect of him is burned into your memory, and as much as you wish you could throw away those memories and act as if they never existed, you cannot.

Because darling, I know how much he meant to you. And I know how many times he said you meant so, so much to him.
I know how many times he promised you that he would stay by your side. I know how many times he said he cared about you and needed you to stay. I know how many times he held you as you cried and said that he would do everything he could to help you get past this dark place.

Darling, I know that this hurt is worse than any hurt you’ve ever experienced before, worse than any romantic breakup you could ever experience in your life.

But it will pass. Maybe you wish it would pass right now, maybe you wish it had never happened, maybe you wish you had never trusted him in the first place. Maybe you think you should have known better than to let yourself open up so completely.

Don’t wish those things, darling.

You could never have known, and your experiences are what made you who you are. I know I have said that before, but I repeat it now because it’s true. And I need you to know that. Because the hurt means as much as the friendship once did. Maybe you don’t think so, and maybe you don’t think it could ever be so. But it does. It means that you are strong enough to withstand that hurt and strong enough to move past it.

And you will move past it, darling. You will.

I know you don’t think so, and I know you think that anything would be better than having to experience this hurt. I know it hurts so, so much. I know you can’t think about him without crying. I know you can’t see him without having a panic attack. I know you can’t work with him without shutting away all your emotions and throwing on a fake smile. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad and hurt. It’s okay to cry and have a hard time moving past all of this.

It’s okay to mourn and grieve, darling.

Take as long as you need. Cry your heart out, eat buckets of chocolate ice cream, and wrap yourself in warm fuzzy blankets right out of the dryer. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself okay again. Because you will be okay.

Darling, it takes time.

I know that it’s so hard right now, and I know that you wish it could all be over. And it will pass. It will pass, and you will be okay.

Darling, it will pass.


Darling, please stay

Darling, please stay.

I know you are in a dark place right now, and I know that maybe you wish you weren’t alive. Maybe you wish you weren’t here and were never here. Maybe you think the world would be better off without you. But none of that is true. That’s only the dark place seeping into you and clouding your mind. That’s only what the world seems like to you right now.

And darling, I know you don’t think so, and maybe you don’t feel so…

But you are not the chill that you feel in your veins. You are not the steel weight caged within the ribs of your chest. You are not the dark spiral of negativity that occupies your mind. You are more than the sum of your parts, more than any of your worries and troubles.

Darling, if I could show you what I see, I would show you a lifetime.

I would show you everything that you have been through and everything you have yet to experience. You have countless chances and experiences ahead of you, and I beg you, please do not throw them all away. Because you deserve to have them. You deserve to live them. You deserve to live.

And darling, please stop telling yourself that you do not deserve to live. Because you do.

You deserve to live because you are alive, and that is the only reason anyone needs. So live, darling. Live. Grasp life with your fingertips if you have to, but grasp it and hold on. Let yourself see the realization of all your hopes and dreams. Let yourself do everything you ever wanted to do.

Because darling, I promise you. It gets better.

Maybe not now, or tomorrow, or this year, or even next year. Maybe not for a long time. But it will get better. It might take some hard work, and it might mean a few missteps along the way, but it will be so, so worth it. It will get better. The darkness you see all around you, that’s not going to be there forever. It’ll lighten and fade, and you’ll be able to move past it.

I won’t lie to you, darling. I won’t say that life is an easy path to take, and I won’t say that you’ll never feel sad or hurt ever again.

But life is so worth it. So please, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate life. Your experiences are what made you who you are, and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I wouldn’t change you for the world. Maybe you hate the scars on your wrists and thighs, but to me, they are proof that you are so much stronger than you think. Because they exist, so do you. You are alive in spite of them, and that means more than you know.

Darling, you are fire, perhaps dim now but with the potential to burn brighter and bigger than any fire that has ever come before you. You are mother nature and father sky. You are dragons and phoenixes and stars and galaxies all in one.
You are more than you know. You are worth so much. And I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. So please stay. But not for me. No, stay for you. There is still time for things to become brighter. There is still time for the fire within you to rise from its sparks and coals and become an inferno, spreading warmth through your veins and taking the chill away from your heart.

Darling, there is still time, and it does get better. So stay, darling.

Stay.