Tag Archives: Darling Series Part 5

Darling, do not wish to be small

Darling, when you told me of your desire to be small and skinny and petite and beautiful, my heart skipped a beat and my lungs missed a breath and every alarm went off in my head and a chill filled my veins, and I clenched my hands into fists so that you couldn’t see them tremble. When you told me how you ate so little and moved so much, my mouth went dry and all the words I wanted to say to you got caught in my throat and I was choking on my fear and love for you. When you told me how much you weighed and how much you had lost and how much you wanted to lose still and how little you wanted to be, my gut reaction was to take you into my arms and hold you and never let you go and make all of those thoughts disappear forever.

Darling, you are beautiful and gorgeous and pretty and stunning and radiant inside and out, and I pray to every god and goddess I don’t believe in that you will one day believe that and see what I see in the mirror, because your beauty should first and foremost be for you to see. I could describe to you your physical appearance, but I don’t think any description of soft wavy brown hair and big hazel eyes and high cheekbones and thin nose and shapely lips and symmetrical collarbones and strong arms and chiseled core and long legs would get through to you right now, and god I wish they would. Because the physical appearance that you see in the mirror is not what the world sees.

But darling, beyond your physical appearance, there is the inside that is radiant and shines out from within your being, and I don’t understand how you can’t see it because it’s blindingly bright. You are not the small flame that you think you are, trembling in the wind and flickering and dimming and chilling. You are kind and caring and gentle and sweet, all of these things that mean soft touch and gentle voice and little smile and bright eyes. But you are also strong and unbending and no storm can knock you over, and you are mother and family and you take all of your loved ones into your arms and you protect them and keep them safe and happy, and you are fighter and sharp wit and clever words and you take no shit from anyone because you know you are on a plane above them, and you are the raging inferno that burns through the wind and blazes bright and hot, reds and blues, too fiery to look at directly, even as you break down all that is old and dying to bring new life from the ashen ground.

Darling, do not wish to be small. You are already petite (and no matter what size, you are always pretty inside and out), and I worry that if you try to be any smaller, your outside would become too fragile to hold your inside, and I worry that I cannot keep you as you are, a healthy weight and size, because you still wish to be small. You are petite and pretty, but I worry that if I say those things you will wish to be more petite so that you can be prettier, but that’s not how that works, and all I want for you is to be healthy and happy. So please do not wish to be small. Be as big as you want to be. Let the inferno that is your soul burn out that wish and fill you up and spill over, and take all the space that you want. Because you are deserving of space and happiness and everything else that will keep your outside even a fraction as strong as your inside.

Darling, let your soul burn away the wish to be small, and break out from the cage within which you have placed yourself. Own all of the space around you and light up the world with all that you are. Break every mirror that says you are small because you are bigger than life, and your brain chemistry cannot contain you.